Part II: Sharp Stick of Doom

One may ask "Why would Lord Jezo never review this product?" Unknown to many,
Lord Jezo is a hairless beast that requires a scrubbing by a damp swatch of
sandpaper once every two months in order to keep the rebellious follicles from
producing their sickly tentacles. Hair is unclean and, as such, he refuses to
allow
it on himself...so much so that he has changed his cellular structure
to prevent its growth. I am, however, a disgusting ball of hair clogged
in the
drain of humanity. I shave about four times a day and that's just my back. Now
that I have successfully removed the danger of mature readership and wholly
disgusted our standard sophomoric fans, I'll move on to part two of my five part
expose (which will culminate in the single hottest review that has ever been
published on this site. Sorry, youshouldknowus.com girls...)

The Schick Quattro Midnight is the next in a long line of products created to
compete with Gillette's Mach 3 series. The Mach 3 series remains very successful
because, despite its astonishing price, it really does feel so damn good. That
in mind, Schick decided the only way to truly combat a 3-bladed razor is to add
an extra blade. Thus was born the Quattro. The Midnight, the second generation
of Quattro, is designed to shave you so well that you will be hair free until
midnight. Now, for some people, this may not be an issue (see above. see also:
non-Italians) but for those of us who happen to sprout every few hours, the
suggestion is very tantalizing. Personally, I'm not too worried about gaining
stubble after dark but, according to the commercials, chicks will rub my face
more...which is something I have found myself in need of lately. Unfortunately,
the commercial (and their website) is still proclaiming that this razor will
help you "Stay Smooth Under the Mistletoe." As Passover quickly approaches, I
can't help but feel it is an inappropriate tagline.

The razor is equally as expensive as its competing brand's 3-bladed 2nd
generation blade. The replacements are also about the same price. The difference
was marginally and was unique to which store one would be at. It would be absurd
to travel 5 miles to save 35 cents, but you are welcome to. So you will have to
somehow justify paying 20 dollars to keep a natural growth off your face. If you
make more money than I do, this may not be hard. The Quattro Midnight blades are
oddly unrelenting; I found myself wishing I had another blade to switch off with
halfway through my morning shave. I realize these are disposable blades but I
also realize that I am not the only one who attempts to get as many uses as
possible out of these blades before dropping another ten bucks for four more.
New out of the box, the blade only made it half-way across my face. After that
the shave was painful and annoying, having to drag the four blades across areas
repeatedly.

The other largest problem that faced me with the razor was cleaning it. As
stated above, I generally plan to use the blades as much as I can. But even if I
were to use a blade and toss it out, I would still need to get the hairs our in
between shaving strokes. But simply running it under some hot water or dipping
it in the sink was not enough. Even smacking it against the side of the sink of
faucet wasn't getting the hair out. This is a problem I have only found in
Schick razors. And it is a big deal. Shaving is not nearly as horrid an
experience as many television ads would have us believe, but it certainly is a
pain in the ass when I have to get to work. And when it takes me longer to smack
my razor clean than it does to get the ketchup on my eggs, that is a problem.

The most exciting moment of this razor was finding out the Schick website is
Shaving.com. The least exciting was explaining to my co-workers that I did, in
fact, know how to shave and it was just that I had tried a new razor.

1 out of 5 bloody chins (that may or may not be running from zombies.)