I was out one night at a disgusting slop of a bar, coming off happy-hour
witnessing a couple argue about whether or not the male should drive. He
shouldn't because, she said, "I care for you so much...as a friend...and I don't
want you to get hurt." As if the existence of the conversation were not enough
to prove that someone had been drinking too much too quickly (9:00 PM eastern)
she felt the need to verbally kick him in the balls so that when he eventually
placated her enough so that he could sneak into his car, he would not only be
intoxicated but emasculated enough to try and commit vehicular suicide. It was
while witnessing this that I realized I needed to go back to a simpler time and,
since my Time Machine can't seem to break the one second per second barrier, I
figured I might as well just gobble up something from my childhood...but with an
adult twist!

The above picture shows three things: 1. The New Crystal Light
Kiwi-Strawberry Slurpee that 7-11 was too lazy to invent any graphics for 2. I
may drink Slurpees but I am mature enough to provide coasters that display my
love on the New York City Opera (and that I am enough of a wild man to disregard
using them...ladies, feel free to drop me a line) 3. My parents wasted their
money sending me to art school. I'm not entirely sure of the selling points of
the drink. Kids like Crystal Light about as much as they like Richard Lewis (I
know he promoted Boku but his hair reminds me of Crystal Light) and adults
should not be drinking Slurpees. Or Crystal Light. It has a much sturdier cup
than I remember them having and this one is blanketed with pictures of a culty,
flash in the pan cartoon character that history will forget while my name lives
on through the ages, thanks in part to the radical rights desire to besmirch his
goofy name. Take that, you tolerance-promoting bastard. (This sentence helps
fulfill my quota of left-wing propaganda that I must insert in order to truly be
considered part of The Media.)

The drink itself was different than any Slurpee I remember having. My first
impression was "Oh crap! I have to fill it up again." Because by the time I got
on line to pay, the thing had deflated to about half the size of the cup. This
was odd to me. It had never happened to me as a child and I was slightly more
annoyed when I had to return to the Slurp-Spigot for a third time just to keep
the thing above the rim. By this time, I didn't really care if it deflated just
so long as when I got out of the store it was decently sized.

Tasting the drink reminded me nothing of the childhood delight that I got
from these delicious quasi-frozen treats. Perhaps it was the Crystal Light. I
have always been a fan of Kiwi-Strawberry and I realize that flavored drinks
taste nothing like their namesakes but this Kiwi-Strawberry completely failed to
taste like the fake Kiwi-Strawberry we have all come to know and love thanks to
Snapple. I found myself suffering through each sip and chewing on the straw more
than the icy chunks. I would have tossed it all in a fit of rage but I felt the
need to save the cup, and even came up with some great uses for it.

  drinking at work!

  cat hat! (don't bother if you like
your eyes) 

a DYI Fleshlight! (my best idea ever.
simply carve up a dead whore and insert.)

Since my attempt to re-live childhood failed miserably, I decided I might as
well rocket into the teen years by pouring vodka into the Slurpee. Surprisingly,
this made it amazing. I drank it up and drunked it up. Once again, I find myself
reviewing something only made tolerable because of alcohol. This could be a
problem with me or the product. But since Crystal Light generally sucks, I get
to stay out of rehab one more day.

One cheese because today I conform.