Over the past few years, diets have taken the nation by storm. Partially
because we, as Americans, have become more concerned with our physical body and
in preparation for the coming civil war and the End Times, many folks would like
to get in better shape. However, this storm is raging mostly because we, as
Americans, want to look good without actually breaking a sweat. Thus was born
the fad diet. Actually, the fad diet has been around since the dawn of time. But
the fad of being into fad diets has recently come back into fashion what with
the Atkins, the South Beach and the Pure Milk diet (suggested for all people who
can't experience the miracle of childbirth...Stones are a close second, I
understand) I decided I might as well jump on the bandwagon about three years
too late.

BLAMCO:

Amazing, no? Everybody's favorite Peanut Butter Cup now with only 1 gram sugar
carbs! I don't even know what it really means, but I trust The Man enough to
know I need this. I had to taste it...Reese's Peanut Butter
Cups are, in my opinion, perhaps the single greatest thing handed down from God
to my mouth directly. One may fool themselves into thinking that a small child
came up to them with a box and offered these chocolaty drops of heaven-dew in
exchange for a few dollars (to help the inner city blah blah blah give me the
fucking candy) but it is not so. These are illusions of Angels sent from on High
to explain how such a delicacy explodes in your mouth. If it were not for the
illusion of their presence on store counters, we may die of culture shock to
understand that these are, in fact, God's Nuggets of Happiness. The only reason
I know is because I found a FAQ on alt.binaries.reesesfromgod.

After I got done composing that filler, I decided to take the eating slow. I
sniffed the candy. Sniffed about the same. Looked the same. Stuck to the sides
of the brown paper wrapper the same. So I bit into it. At first I thought, "This
tastes pretty much the same." How wrong I was. The initial thought must have
been due to the smell...an olfactory mask used to fool those with dull tongues.
Obviously, this product was the work of mere mortals. The chocolate might as
well have been the remains of a week old cigar and the peanut butter had the
consistency of sawdust without the taste.

I know Lord Jezo has his "everything gets one" rule...but fuck that. This
gets the chunk I spit out after getting enough data to write this article.

Seriously, it sucked. In a big way.