Week of May 1, 2005

May 7 2005 -- Animation!

May 6 2005 -- A gay adventure. No review today since I was out in the city last night at a Mars Volta concert and getting loaded on tequila at a a great mexican joint. I am currently sitting at work trying to stay awake and thankful the hangover is not too bad. So instead I present to you an amusing story from last weekend.

Cast of characters: BOB = friend of mine, BOBs friend = some big black man. Easton = Easton, PA, gay man = some random gay man at a bar. (the names have been changed to protect the innocent)

BOB and his friend were at a bar in Easton last weekend and some guy comes over to them and BOB knows right away he is gay. says he is trying to act straight but its obvious he isn’t. BOB says the guy is trying to act tough and says he is having a party at his house and lots of girls will be there.

BOB is "worried" that the gay guy is trying to hit on them so him and his friend decide to go back to the gay man’s house. Yes, I know that is the exact opposite thing any non moron would do but that is just the start of what makes this story so totally ridiculous.

So BOB and BOB's buddy go to the this strangers house. They get there and it is totally empty. BOB is worried that the guy has taken him and his friend home to rape them and that he thinks they want gay sex or something.

So the gay guy offers BOB and company some wine. Now BOB is getting worried that the guy is trying to get them drunk so he can take advantage of them. So they drink the wine and when they are offered more wine they keep on drinking it. So there they are getting drunk and scared that they are going to be taken advantage of.

For some reason the topic of piercings come up. BOBs friend mentioned he has his nipples pierced. The gay guy says that's awesome and wants to see them. Friend is scared that this is some sort of way gay sex starts so he takes off his shirt and lets the gay guy start feeling his chest. Now BOB is scared because next to him on the couch some gay guy is feeling and checking out his friends chest. So BOB decides to take his shirt off too. So now its two shirtless guys on a couch and this gay guy feeling their chests.

Then BOB and his friend get freaked out and leave and he proceeds to call me to let me now he just escaped from a sexual predator. I am not sure he understands what he just did though.

It sounds like some kind of crazed dream that makes no sense at all but that is the story straight from BOB to me. Does anyone understand what just happened? Who the heck thinks to themselves "oh man, I am going to be gay raped. I better drink his wine and take off my shirt for him"

Posted by LordJezo

May 5 2005 -- CINCO DE MAYO!

05.05.05

Posted by LordJezo

May 5 2005 -- The End? What would Jimmy have to say about this? He'd be ashamed that I was sitting here stuffing my face with sugar free candy and not out smoking weed and protesting the war.

Well you know what Jimmy, you are dead and I am sitting here stuffing my face willed with candy. Why all this Jimmy rage? I am blasting The End by The Doors as I write this. He's telling me it's the end and all the children are insane. It is definitely killing the happy mood this stuff is supposed to be putting me in.

There's danger on the edge of town and it's named Capri Sun Juicers. Picking them on along the side of the Kings Highway inside a goldmine of a store out west these candies are meant to bring the kids the happiness of 10% of your daily vitamin C and have no artificial colors or flavored.

What joy.

One thing I liked about the packs is they are small. They are also blue. It's as if the blue bus is calling you when you look at them and Nabisco is the driver.

"Hey Nabisco, where are you taking us?"

"To a place of happiness"

Wow, that’s deep. Anyway, They packs are small, less wasted space, less trash, better for the environment, makes Jimmy happy. So I grab a pack of these things and I walk on down the hall to a room where my brother usually is. I looked inside, but he wasn’t there, so I just walked on down the hall. Walking into my parents room I open up the pack and dump the candy into my hand.

ooo.. those are fancy. Nabisco took a chance with these things, not putting any extra color or flavor into them, and I think they won. Most candy really doesn’t look like that, sort of a cool Apple iMac see through kind of thing going for it. Almost makes you want to break out into a guitar solo, but I don’t know how to play the guitar, so I didn’t.

But you know what, how do they taste?

*munch munch munch*

These things are pretty good! They are just like Gushers but with a much better more natural taste. The outside jelly stuff actually feels good to chew and you don’t think you are eating some crazed chemical concoction. Well, you do, but at least a mostly natural one, more natural then other candies. This is definitely one I would come back to for another go around if I wasn't so backed up with other stuff I need to review.

So anyway, this is the end of this review my only friend. It's time to set you free.

(For a totally hip experience go put on The End by the Doors, get high, and read this review over again. It will blow your mind.)

Posted by LordJezo

May 4 2005 -- Our God. Sorry for no review today, so, instead of that click here for a totally worthless website.

Leave some comments. I'll review something when I am done being sick. I think I caught it from running around naked this weekend in Maryland.

Ooops.

Posted by LordJezo

May 2 2005 -- Dark love Asians will make you take them on vacation for a week and then come home only to be bent over the kitchen counter by someone else a day later, never telling you until they are caught red handed and then somehow blame the whole thing on you. Indians will mock you for not having a PhD and then mock you further for being white. Whites will just get you wrapped up in a crazy world of cocaine, sleeping pills, booze, and sex. All right, so I guess the white people aren't that bad after all. But where does someone find true happiness? For decades now attractive white women have known the answer. They have abandoned their own kind, the pathetic white man, in search of something bigger, something better, something dark.

That's right, dark chocolate is the way to a woman's heart. Dark chocolate won't cheat on you or won’t mock you for being white. They will treat you right, buy you nice things, parade you around and show you off to all of your friends. They will be by your side until the end, or until you are pregnant with their child, which ever comes first. But until then you will be taken for the ride of your life, reaching new highs of ecstasy. Remember, once you go dark you can never go back.

Going after dark chocolate does have it's risks, but they joy one brings will outweigh any negative, it's worth it. For example, what dark chocolate likes to be wrapped up in a tight sheath? As far as I know, none. Dark chocolate enjoys being in the raw, and because dark chocolate it in such high demand, that’s just what dark chocolate gets.

Just look at that long hard piece of dark chocolate. Now I know why the white women love it so much, it's naturally ribbed. White chocolate has nothing on it.

People always say 'It's not the size, it's how it's used." Well, lets use it and find out how good it really is. Gripping it tightly in one hand I slide it into my open mouth. The taste is wonderful. The dark chocolate and gooey inside fill my mouth with pure pleasure. As I pull it out I let the ribbed outer skin glide over my lips, stimulating my senses. I understand more and more with each chew what makes dark chocolate so desirable. But just one? I am a big boy, I can handle more then that! Grabbing the other one with my left hand I jam both into my now gaping mouth. At first it seems like I have too much inside of me to handle, but I relax and just accept it willingly. Hungrily I scarf down as much as I can handle, being careful to swallow it all and not let any fall from my mouth.

Sadly this orgy of excitement can only last so long. Even dark chocolate has it's limits. Looking down at the discarded wrapper I think fondly of the time I spent with the dark chocolate, it was a time I will be sure to remember for days to come.

4 cheeses. Dark chocolate made me feel loved again.

Posted by LordJezo