Week of April 10, 2005

April 14 2005 -- Holla if you like BBQ potato chips son! Well I was walkin' through DC on my way to see the Cherry Blossoms (the most gangsta thang you can do in DC, trust me) when my boyz wanted some food. Anyone that's been to DC knows the only food available in the Mall area of DC comes out of a cart. Once we found a cart my posse bought some hotdogs soaking in dirrrty water and hot pretzels. My boy Nick, who's never met a pretzel he didn't like, found the ultimate product for the purchasing. And today I bring a review of this amazing product. BEHOLD....RAP SNACKS!!!



That's right, Rap Snacks. Now, normally if I found a bag of Rap Snacks in DC it would be a bag of endo, a 40 wrapped in a paper bag, or a sack of condoms, but not this time, its a bag of motha f'in potato chips. These aren't just normal chips, they are chips endorsed by Lil' Romeo (and if you don't know who he is then you should just move to McWhiteysville ya damn cracka!). The flavor of these raptastic snacks is Bar-B-Quing with my Honey...flavored chips. Lil' Romeo also reminds you to "Stay in School" on the bag. That's sound advice from a pint sized rapper; you learn vital reading and writingskillz in school that can help you be the dopest rapper out there. Fo' real! Also (I'm not sure if you guys can make this out in the picture) Lil' Romeo is holding his bling which happens to be a bunny rabbit driving a tank. He's a kid and he's a gangsta at the same time, talk about a niche market! On the back of this bag there is some information regarding our potato chip whoring friend. Here it is: "The New No Limit/Universal Records presents Lil' Romeo. This prodigy to Master P is not only a soldier in training, but also his son. Following in his father's footsteps there is No Limit to his Universal appeal. With the release of his sophomore album, Game Time, Lil' Romeo is the next in line to destroy the competition with his smash hit '2Way.'" Wow, that's deep. I had no idea Lil' Romeo was a prodigy, but if it's on my bag of Rap Snacks it must be true. I'm also surprised that he was able to enlist to be a 'oldier in training'at such a young age. Celebrities get treated differently in everything! So on to the review of what's inside the bag, the chips. Lemme start off by saying that I'm not really a potato chip guy; I pretty much only enjoy BBQ chips and Cool Ranch Doritos and even then it's very rare that I'd buy them. That being said, these chips are really good; they just make me feel more gangsta when I eat them, kinda like how Popeye eats some spinach and becomes all awesome and stuff. If I were to eat these with some Gripz I'd probably go on a killin' spree in DC, get some weed off a dude on the corner, buy some 40s, and pick up some prostitutes on the way home. I don't think I could ever eat another BBQ potato chip without thinking of Lil' Romeo and his delicious Rap Snacks. These chips are also ribbed for your pleasure.



Mmm, I just had another, the combo of the honey and BBQ is good. I bought these things as a joke and they are damn good. Go out and get them! Try your local corner market, bodega, or just order $10 worth from www.rapsnacks.com You won't regret it! Don't forget to check out rapsnacks.com to see more rap artist related junk food. You'll especially love this site if you like different versions of BBQ munchies.




3.5 cheeses for the chips


5 cheeses for the bag


4.5 cheeses for the product (not an average)

Posted by Archebaldo

April 13 2005 -- The Iceman Sucketh

I was out one night at a disgusting slop of a bar, coming off happy-hour
witnessing a couple argue about whether or not the male should drive. He
shouldn't because, she said, "I care for you so much...as a friend...and I don't
want you to get hurt." As if the existence of the conversation were not enough
to prove that someone had been drinking too much too quickly (9:00 PM eastern)
she felt the need to verbally kick him in the balls so that when he eventually
placated her enough so that he could sneak into his car, he would not only be
intoxicated but emasculated enough to try and commit vehicular suicide. It was
while witnessing this that I realized I needed to go back to a simpler time and,
since my Time Machine can't seem to break the one second per second barrier, I
figured I might as well just gobble up something from my childhood...but with an
adult twist!



The above picture shows three things: 1. The New Crystal Light
Kiwi-Strawberry Slurpee that 7-11 was too lazy to invent any graphics for 2. I
may drink Slurpees but I am mature enough to provide coasters that display my
love on the New York City Opera (and that I am enough of a wild man to disregard
using them...ladies, feel free to drop me a line) 3. My parents wasted their
money sending me to art school. I'm not entirely sure of the selling points of
the drink. Kids like Crystal Light about as much as they like Richard Lewis (I
know he promoted Boku but his hair reminds me of Crystal Light) and adults
should not be drinking Slurpees. Or Crystal Light. It has a much sturdier cup
than I remember them having and this one is blanketed with pictures of a culty,
flash in the pan cartoon character that history will forget while my name lives
on through the ages, thanks in part to the radical rights desire to besmirch his
goofy name. Take that, you tolerance-promoting bastard. (This sentence helps
fulfill my quota of left-wing propaganda that I must insert in order to truly be
considered part of The Media.)


The drink itself was different than any Slurpee I remember having. My first
impression was "Oh crap! I have to fill it up again." Because by the time I got
on line to pay, the thing had deflated to about half the size of the cup. This
was odd to me. It had never happened to me as a child and I was slightly more
annoyed when I had to return to the Slurp-Spigot for a third time just to keep
the thing above the rim. By this time, I didn't really care if it deflated just
so long as when I got out of the store it was decently sized.


Tasting the drink reminded me nothing of the childhood delight that I got
from these delicious quasi-frozen treats. Perhaps it was the Crystal Light. I
have always been a fan of Kiwi-Strawberry and I realize that flavored drinks
taste nothing like their namesakes but this Kiwi-Strawberry completely failed to
taste like the fake Kiwi-Strawberry we have all come to know and love thanks to
Snapple. I found myself suffering through each sip and chewing on the straw more
than the icy chunks. I would have tossed it all in a fit of rage but I felt the
need to save the cup, and even came up with some great uses for it.


  drinking at work!


  cat hat! (don't bother if you like
your eyes) 


a DYI Fleshlight! (my best idea ever.
simply carve up a dead whore and insert.)


Since my attempt to re-live childhood failed miserably, I decided I might as
well rocket into the teen years by pouring vodka into the Slurpee. Surprisingly,
this made it amazing. I drank it up and drunked it up. Once again, I find myself
reviewing something only made tolerable because of alcohol. This could be a
problem with me or the product. But since Crystal Light generally sucks, I get
to stay out of rehab one more day.



One cheese because today I conform.

Posted by PatboyX

April 12 2005 -- Not quite a tropical jam.. Well here I am writing an emergency review because it seems the good folks over at The Impulsive Buy are catching up on us with their soda reviews and by catching up I mean four months behind us. But hey, competition just makes for a better everything. I heard about this next product a couple hours ago (okay, a day or something ago but it was brought back to my attention a couple hours ago) by none other the 78west's own Archebaldo



Sprite Remix aruba jam. Uncapitalized because that just might be as hip as using a z in place of an s.

I hope this is better then the last Sprite Remix flavor these guys came out with, but then again with that last pile of garbage I thought to myself "Hey, even sparkling water should be better then this."

So I bought myself a bottle today at the local Shop Rite in between watching the hostage situation / fbi-swat team-state police-criminal in a car stand off going down a mile away from my house (I could here the helicopters outside my window) and well, in between watching that and then coming home and watching more of that. It just ended a couple minutes ago in a less then exciting walk calmly over to the car and take the guy slowly out. No exciting anything like what goes on in the movies.

So back to the soda. It has the same packaging as the other Remix's so there is not much to talk about there. The color of the soda is the plain old clear Sprite color that every other Sprite has so not much to talk about there either.

So lets get to the most exciting part of trying any new food product, the taste test! But first lets go into what aruba jam could actually mean. For that lets go to our resident literature master PatBoyX.

Lord Jezo: So, Mr. X, if I may call you that, what does aruba jam mean to you?
PatBoyX:im guessing the name is being used to elicit two responses based on pre-programmed beliefs. (roadhouse, anyone?) 1. that aruba is awesome and sunny. a happy place to find oneself...a place free of care and worries...the sort of plaec where girls respond to simple acts of kindness by taking off their clothes (and other acts of wildness). the sort of place that you would vacation if you werent a slovenly simp reading a website about new product reviews. 2. the jamming is super-hip. it probably hasnt been since The Dead stop touring (or should have stopped touring) and the first time anyone heard a Phish song sober. jamming is something that musicians like to get together and do when they dont know how to get together and actually play something that resembles a song. it is also the sort of thing that slick haxorz in movies do to all sorts of things. the best part about using this word to promote your product is that middle america will never be offended by it since jazz is no longer popular and/or associated it with black people.

Lord Jezo: That's pretty deep, Mr. X. Do you think that the Coca Cola company can deliver on that with this new soda of theirs?
PatBoyX: i seriously doubt that any women will be getting naked due to you or anyone else drinking it. unless, of course, you slip them something. the chances of you getting high and thinking that a bunch of unwashed folks playing a vacuum is somehow music has a much more likely chance of happening. but only if you drink about 3 gallons of the stuff in a 1-2 hour period. the chance of it working for coke will probably not depend on the name, because somehow products with stupid names like "Nads" and "iPod" seem to be doing so well. either way, i dont really care. coke aint going nowhere and i got stock.
Lord Jezo: Well thank you kind sir. I hope you have a good day and that we can talk about such matters again one day.
PatBoyX: die.



He sure is one happy guy.


Well, lets actually try it out and see what it tastes like.

...

Umm, okay, maybe there is too much ice in that glass. Lets try dumping the ice out and trying again.

...

Well it smells nice, I'll give it that. What does it smell like? Umm, nice? Is that a smell? I am trying hard here to come up with something but I really do not know, so for now I am just going to say it smells like nice.

So how about the taste? Well that goes right along with the smell. It is nice, it's not bad, just sort of nice. Not really putting me much in a aruba jam kind of mood though, putting me more in a "why am I drinking this" kind of mood. It really has no flavor beyond that nice smell.

I am on my third half glass now. Second with out ice. There is just nothing there. No strong flavor, no after taste, just sort of a fleeting moment of nice when you sip on it. Personally it reminds me of drinking in college when I used to put citrus flavored Skyy in Sprite. Maybe this drink just brings back a memory to a person because I know it really has no flavor.

Two cheeses. Even though it smells nice and brought back college day memories, it just has no flavor, and that's what matters most.

Posted by LordJezo

April 11 2005 -- Girly man mouthwash The night started off good, four guys sitting around stuffing their faces with 40 or so pieces of sushi each and talking about the good old days. Everyone was happy and the mood was good. But after that much sushi you start to smell like fish and get a film of soy sauce and wasabi on your teeth. Time to get a cleanin'. My mouth felt like it had been abused so I felt it best to pick up some mouthwash and swish away the pain.



Oh how lucky I was to just happen upon Crest’s new mouthwash, Pro-Health Rinse. With that fancy wrapper, slick bottle shape, and the word “NEW” on it, how was I to resist? I bought it, took it home, and went right to the bathroom (just as any good date should). I was going to post a link to that gum in the lower right corner of that image but thankfully it was lost in the great server crash so all my hard work has been thrown out and lost forever. Bah.

Looking at the bottle I noticed that it said “ALCHOLOL FREE”. What fun could that be? Crest seems to be marketing their product in the opposite manner that Listerine is done. Those folks have people struggling to keep it in their mouths for more then 30 seconds. They show families running away in fear when the mother mentions the name Listerine. Now that’s a mouthwash! I would imagine that Crest will show this stuff as a more family friendly option, one that is nice and easy to use. Thumbs down to that. Stuff that doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger. Listerine can toughen up a man, this stuff would make him weak.

But enough of that, how does it actually taste and feel? If you have ever been to the dentist and been told to wash with that concentrated blue stuff they keep in the cup (that you mix with water) then you know what this stuff is like. That’s really the best way to describe it. It’s a bit minty and doesn’t sting at all. Listerine for girly men. It doesn’t leave you with that same super-clean-everything-in-your-mouth-has-been-victim-of-a-mint-genocide that Listerine does, actually, I didn’t really feel that much different at all after I spit this stuff out. Oh well. I’ll keep using it since the bottle says it works and we all know that makes it true. I also noticed the absence of the ADA symbol found on Listerine and other toothpastes as well, I wonder why… Oh, and it also leaves a blue color on your tongue

I want to give this stuff 2.5 cheeses because it really did nothing for me but I can see the use for it for people who are too sensitive (weak) to use Listerine, so three it is. Recommendations? Once again, only if you don’t like Listerine would I tell you to give this a try, and if you don’t like Listerine and want a mouthwash this may be the product for you.




Even an empty bottle of Listerine champions over Crest in my bathroom.

Posted by LordJezo