Week of March 13, 2005

Girding the mammary glands is at times an uncomfortable,
and often daunting task. I, finding my unmentionables in poor shape, decided I
would try Victoria’s Secret’s new item, the imposingly named “Ipex” brassiere.
There are many aspects of bra shopping to take into account. Let’s set up the
criteria and weigh the Ipex against them. 

1)     
Comfort: Breasts are a bouncy part of anatomy and call for support.  The
Ipex provides superior support to keep your boobies in place.  Another aspect of
comfort that must be considered is the all-day wearability.  After having worn
the Ipex for a few full days now, I will confidently say this bra, with its wide
straps and soft lining, will have you wondering occasionally if you forgot to
put on a bra before leaving that morning.  A for comfort.

2)     
Appearance:  The Ipex touts two years of technological development.  So
what exactly took them two years to develop (about the same time it takes a
pubescent girl to develop breasts mind you—so now they have a whole new
demographic)?  It is the lining.  Yes, ladies, rejoice, the Ipex has a feathered
lining that provides full coverage so that you have no embarrassing moments when
it becomes chilly in a room or you become aroused, and tapers off at the edges
to provide a lightness that was previously only seen in unlined bras. The
tapered edges provide a seamlessness that keeps the space between bra and breast
to a minimum allowing this bra to look fine even in your sluttiest of clothing.

3)     
Price:  While Victoria’s Secret’s merchandise always is in a price range
that might confound a wal-mart lingerie budget, I do find paying more to be
worth it for these items.  Every bra I’ve owned from Victoria’s Secret has
lasted more than a year, where your average may have underwire poking through
within months.  The Ipex costs only $10 more than the run of the mill Victoria’s
Secret bra, and for the other benefits, I find this $10 to be highly worth it.

For comfort, appearance and quality, I recommend Victoria’s
Secret’s Ipex to those of you with fatty deposits on your chests.

6 out of six cups. (Famous cups! Try and guess what famous
bewebies these are!)

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to bite the bullet and just post
something about drinking. I was going to attempt to write an intelligent and
in-depth review of my recent visit to the newly re-opened Museum of Modern Art
in New York City. It would have been harsh on the pretentious idiots that I
found myself surrounded with, the high price of tickets (unless you have a
Culture Card - thank you, Lord Jezo), the rumblings of "Never heard of this guy
before" while people brushed passed works of art and would have culminated in a
touching revelation on the part of the narrator that the sort of self-indulgent,
masturbatory excursion is made completely worth it because I got to watch a very
excited father explain to an equally as excited toddler why the hell we should
give a damn about "The Starry Night."

But I'm tired and there are cats fighting on either side of me. Instead, I'll
take the easy way out: BEER! Lord Jezo would never review beer on this day in
celebration because he is, in fact, a Protestant:

The Beer being offered up is the New Jersey produced Flying Fish porter. Its
cheap, has a bit of a bitter bite and it works, meaning it will get you drunk.
If the above three things do not suit what you are looking for in a beer, you
should probably go ahead and not drink beer from the Pine Barrens...may I
suggest an area more moor-y? Apart from having the absolute kitsch value of have
beer around your house that was brewed in the southern part of what is
considered the funniest state in the union (funny like "my joke needs a
location" funny, not  "earnest people from Delaware" funny) there really
isn't all that much going for it. Sort of like this review: half-assed Jersey
ramblings, only in the form of hops and whatnot.

3 out of 5 passed out rubes with "Balls" written on their faces.

Lord Jezo hates music almost as much as he hates children and that's what
makes this new DVD release from They Might Be Giants, "Here Come The ABCs" a
perfect product for my super-exciting series Things Lord Never Would Not Review
Part 3 of 5 (Five being the hottest review that has ever graced this
website...nay, the internet.) Lets get right down to it:

As a parent of seven, I often find myself at odds with the vast amount of
entertainment my offspring feel the need to gorge themselves on. Many times, I
find that the entertainment is neither interesting nor factually
correct...lacking in Edutainment, if you will. I often wander the aisles of the
local Mom and Pop Best Buy thinking "If only there were some way I could teach
my 7 toddlers the ABCs without actually interacting with them. Especially if
some barely recognizable band were to produce songs to help!" Dear reader, if
you are like me (and our traffic tracker notes that 30% of you are, quite
literally, me) you have found your answer.

First things first, it costs 10 dollars. Which is pretty good if you are on a
budget and spend the better part of your afternoon deciding between brands of
cat food, using mere pennies as the fulcrum, hoping that which ever one you
choose will keep your bloodline alive for at least one more dawn. If you're a
trust fund baby, I suggest buying ten and throwing the extra discs at scrubby
looking pedestrians on your way home while screaming "Walk you filthy pigs. This
oil is mine!"

When first encountering this DVD, one is compelled to ask themselves about
its place on the shelf. It is designed to be viewed by children, a genre that
was once shunned by the band in question, but upon actually viewing the content
it is doubtful anyone would want to show this to their children. On a scale of 1
to 10 of appropriateness for children, 10 being Marlo Thomas with a Shel
Silverstein book strapped to her forehead and 1 being
Bill O'Reilly's The Aural Rape Factor for Co-workers err...excuse me,
The O'Reilly Factor for Kids* this DVD ranks about a 5. It's not so much
that it involves ranting about ones sexual prowess but that the animation is
downright horrifying at times.

There is a video of pandas painting that seems as though the animation was
directed toward the average viewer of Bob Ross after about six mushrooms, a
cannibalistic letter "Z" and a whole lot of crappy puppetry. The music is pretty
catchy but all the tracks are short, there are some really flat pieces and avid
fans (who will probably be many of the only folks buying it and who would buy it
based on a compulsive need to fill out a collection) will have heard about a
third of the music before.

Interesting and cheap if you're a fan. But I don't see it getting its
intended job done. 2 1/2 Hipsters.

* A product that really exists on this plane of reality.

One may ask "Why would Lord Jezo never review this product?" Unknown to many,
Lord Jezo is a hairless beast that requires a scrubbing by a damp swatch of
sandpaper once every two months in order to keep the rebellious follicles from
producing their sickly tentacles. Hair is unclean and, as such, he refuses to
allow
it on himself...so much so that he has changed his cellular structure
to prevent its growth. I am, however, a disgusting ball of hair clogged
in the
drain of humanity. I shave about four times a day and that's just my back. Now
that I have successfully removed the danger of mature readership and wholly
disgusted our standard sophomoric fans, I'll move on to part two of my five part
expose (which will culminate in the single hottest review that has ever been
published on this site. Sorry, youshouldknowus.com girls...)

The Schick Quattro Midnight is the next in a long line of products created to
compete with Gillette's Mach 3 series. The Mach 3 series remains very successful
because, despite its astonishing price, it really does feel so damn good. That
in mind, Schick decided the only way to truly combat a 3-bladed razor is to add
an extra blade. Thus was born the Quattro. The Midnight, the second generation
of Quattro, is designed to shave you so well that you will be hair free until
midnight. Now, for some people, this may not be an issue (see above. see also:
non-Italians) but for those of us who happen to sprout every few hours, the
suggestion is very tantalizing. Personally, I'm not too worried about gaining
stubble after dark but, according to the commercials, chicks will rub my face
more...which is something I have found myself in need of lately. Unfortunately,
the commercial (and their website) is still proclaiming that this razor will
help you "Stay Smooth Under the Mistletoe." As Passover quickly approaches, I
can't help but feel it is an inappropriate tagline.

The razor is equally as expensive as its competing brand's 3-bladed 2nd
generation blade. The replacements are also about the same price. The difference
was marginally and was unique to which store one would be at. It would be absurd
to travel 5 miles to save 35 cents, but you are welcome to. So you will have to
somehow justify paying 20 dollars to keep a natural growth off your face. If you
make more money than I do, this may not be hard. The Quattro Midnight blades are
oddly unrelenting; I found myself wishing I had another blade to switch off with
halfway through my morning shave. I realize these are disposable blades but I
also realize that I am not the only one who attempts to get as many uses as
possible out of these blades before dropping another ten bucks for four more.
New out of the box, the blade only made it half-way across my face. After that
the shave was painful and annoying, having to drag the four blades across areas
repeatedly.

The other largest problem that faced me with the razor was cleaning it. As
stated above, I generally plan to use the blades as much as I can. But even if I
were to use a blade and toss it out, I would still need to get the hairs our in
between shaving strokes. But simply running it under some hot water or dipping
it in the sink was not enough. Even smacking it against the side of the sink of
faucet wasn't getting the hair out. This is a problem I have only found in
Schick razors. And it is a big deal. Shaving is not nearly as horrid an
experience as many television ads would have us believe, but it certainly is a
pain in the ass when I have to get to work. And when it takes me longer to smack
my razor clean than it does to get the ketchup on my eggs, that is a problem.

The most exciting moment of this razor was finding out the Schick website is
Shaving.com. The least exciting was explaining to my co-workers that I did, in
fact, know how to shave and it was just that I had tried a new razor.

1 out of 5 bloody chins (that may or may not be running from zombies.)

A far cry from the standard chocolate + sugar formula that TMW is used to
dealing with, I chose this product to be the first in a series of five products
that Lord Jezo would never review. The ingredients were so recognizable and mono
(ok, and bi) syllabic that I memorized them at first glance. Wheat, Almonds,
Soy, Peanut and Milk. Seriously, the list of ingredients is actually shorter
than the name of the product, "Kashi 7 Whole Grains & Sesame Honey Almond Flax
Chewy Granola Bars."

Many readers may recognize the Kashi brand from their very popular "Good
Friends" cereal line which combines the joy of a cold, pre-dawn bowl of wheat
and milk with the unsettling presence of eerie-eyed middle-aged, mixed minority
couplings. Other readers will recognize the Kashi brand from the pantry of that
one really obnoxious, nappy-haired idiot from college who could never quite keep
a job but insisted that the problem was with "the system" and not his constant
stench of patchouli or penchant for drug abuse (the lame kinds.) Witness -

The good news is that the bar contains 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of protein
and 300 milligrams of Omega-3s. Well, I assume that is the good news. Otherwise
I couldn't imagine why the Publicity department of the Kashi company would
display those facts in large, well accentuated letters across the front. So,
either those are fantastic selling points or I am simply being told three
intensely useless facts in such a way that I will suddenly find myself assuring
others that 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of protein and 300 milligrams of Oemga-3s
are just the sort of thing one wants in a snack bar. Only history will prove who
the fool is here.

The bad news, though, is hidden above in the innocuously transparent
ingredient list. Sure, we all remember it contains Wheat, Almonds, Soy, Peanut
and Milk but what does Wheat, Almonds, Soy, Peanut and Milk taste like? Go to
your kitchen right now, and put some wheat germ in a bowl, slap in some almonds,
add a couple peanuts, poor on a bit of milk and there you go: you've not only
successfully recreated this bland snack bar (you can shave some tofu into it if
you want to get the total experience) but you have subverted the Establishment
by not driving your gas-guzzling, poison-spewing death machine to The Man's A&P
to buy it. Way to be!

1 out of 5 dirty stinking hippies.