I am one week late with this review. I got some new toys and while I would
normally take full responsibility, I will now relay all blame toward my new XM
radio units and the existence of three stations devoted to soul music. Having
said that, deal with it.
The Island has a pretty good combination of elements that would excite all
potential viewers. Interesting premise, pretty effects, explosions and eye candy
for both genders. Unfortunately, the eye candy for both genders is about as
generous as the film is toward the audience. In fact, if it weren't for the
inclusion of the principles, one would probably be left feeling that the movie
was just another throw-back summer excuse to get out of the heat for a couple
hours. This movie is a travesty wrapped in a shroud of shame dumped in a
back-alley with the unwanted prom night surprise.
The plot seems cobbled together from every piece of decent (and some
not-so-decent) science fiction cinema and writing that has graced the planet in
the last thirty years. It takes the utopian calm and fruitless hope of Logan's
Run, removes Jenny Aggutter getting naked, smashes it with the existential moral
quandary of defining humanity from Blade Runner, ties it to the entire plot of
the cult crap-fest Parts: The Clonos Horror and plops the resulting beast on the
stupid magnetic rail-road tracks of Product Placement. Generally speaking, I
like my commercials with less plot but not when they are three hours long and I
have paid nine dollars to see them. For all the effort that the film puts forth
to keep every white surface clean there is a surprising number of non-sensical
summations that the audience must make. The only thing that keeps a horde of
clones from discovering "the truth" was a 'tri-key' (which is, by the way, still
a fucking key even though its made of glass and has three prongs...just call it
a key, jackasses) Steve Buscemi and a lack of curiosity. If that isn't insulting
enough to you as a movie-goer, if you hang around long enough you are treated to
yet another holocaust/race-war inspired parallel between a survivor (Assassin
with a Heart of Gold. Rogue with Moral Code, etc) and the protagonists.
Politically, this movie confounded me. Am I supposed to care about cattle or the
strain of big business on the ethics structure of our culture or just feel badly
about the abortion joke I made at the start?
Well, I'm going to have to guess this film sides with business or else I'm
going to have trouble explaining the full screen ads that took up a full 8% of
screen time during this movie. Seriously, one of the first shots you see is
drawer full of Pumas. Puma? Puma?! Your utopian ideal is Puma? Maybe Puma didn't
pay to be in the film, maybe the artists in question are trying to just say that
Puma is for those who lack excitement and the mental fortitude to question their
own existence. Running over the plot in my mind, the only things I can think of
are: Aquafina, Miller Lite, Chevy (see, Steve Buscemi had a 2005-6 model in 2019
so...you know, it looked old.), AmEx, Amtrak and MSN. So someone's money paid
off it just wasn't mine. I can't believe I, Robot got such trash for a couple
shots but The Island get away with such blatant whoring and no one seems to give
a damn.
I know what you are thinking. Sure, the plot sucks, the actors are wooden and
the film is little more than a flimsy spot...but what makes it different from
every other Sci-Fi/Action/Summer movie? Not much! The movie insults us at every
level. It begins with a heavy slant toward sci-fi, rendering any action fans
begging for something to actually happen. And then when something finally does
occur, the action over-rides any attempt the writers may have had at maintaining
the core of the plot, forcing each scene to be punctuated by "RUN!" Its nice to
know that even in the future, people still make dumb jokes about women not being
able to control their spending and the majority of minorities in our nation are
relegated to peripheral roles in which their only lines are worthless,
stereo-type reinforcing tripe like "He be my favorite," "Ohhhhh, girl," "I
know Jesus love you, girl," and "Mammy!" All things considered,
though, I'd love to live in the world this movie envisions. Everyone can fight
except for those who are actually trained to as a career; those who have
responsibilities to diffuse hostile situations are constantly being
sucker-punched. And even if a person in some authority could actually fight, I
would gladly live in a place where getting a fish hook lodged in my shoulder
blade would cause more damage to my person than falling thirty stories off the
outside of a high-rise.
One invisible cheese...not because everything gets one...but because The
Island is real, its me punching Michael Bay in the stomach. It remains invisible
until my dream comes true.
Posted by PatboyX
I was pretty much right, too. You mix the granola into the yogurt and eat away with your plastic spoon (we can afford spoons here in this country). The flavor was pretty generic too, strawberry, but not a real strawberry like the premium fruit on the bottom type yogurts. No, this was more like a Dannon yogurt or other pre-mixed non fruit chunk yogurts. The granola added a nice crunch to it but it wasn't something to really set it apart from anything else.
