Week of March 27, 2005

April 2 2005 -- How was that for a joke? So how was everyone's April Fools Day?

Anyone get tricked good? Just in case you somehow forgot to come to here yesterday here was out contribution to the internet holiday.

78west.com gets hacked.

It was lame, we know, but at least we tried.

Posted by LordJezo

March 31 2005 -- A review straight out tha' hood. Well it's about that time for a brand NEW! review of something completely stupid and useless, brought to us this time by those midgets over at Keebler, ugh I mean Elves. I bring to you...GRIPZ.



That's right another product with the letter Z at the end sure to please 13 year old boyz and Lord Jezo, alike. So the appealing thing about the name Gripz is that it reminds me of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, which is completely Gangsta like myself. In the game, which emulates life in the hood in the Los Angeles / Compton Area in the early 90's, the main character Carl Johnson, or as his homies call him "CJ", does many bad things throughout the game. One of them includes beating the crap out of someone with his hands or a weapon until that person is a bloody corpse and then stealing their money. When he steals their money occasionally he'll say, "Gimme that grip!" Which brings us to this awesome product name. I feel so f'in gangsta when I eat this, I just wanna go out and shoot people and do other cool stuff like that. But you say, well Mr. Archebaldo, I'm just a white guy from the suburbs of New Jersey, I don't know what it's like to be gangsta like you, and frankly I have no desire to be a gangsta, so what does this food actually taste like and what the hell is a Gripz? Ok ok, you weak cracka ass cracka, I'll tell you what this is,its a "Mighty Tiny Chocolate Chip Cookie" in a "Rip'N'Tip Pack".



When I first saw the Rip'N'Tip thing I was like what the hell is that! I'm mad gangsta son and I've never even heard of that. But I figured it out once I opened the package. Basically, you "Rip" the side of the bag open and then you "Tip" them little cookies into your hand or directly into your mouf. Not gangsta whatsoever. When you do tip these things out, look at all the mess they make. I would say about 1/10 of the bag is crumbs, so be prepared for a mess.



I've had mini cookies before in my time and I'm pretty sure they were called Dots and they tasted better than this. Not sure where to find them anymore because it was quite a long time ago when I had them, but I'm 99% sure they existed. Anyways, these are supposed to be miniature versions of Chips Deluxe cookies. I'm not really sure what Chips Deluxe cookie is but I know what a preservative laced cookie tastes like and this was not nearly as good. If you can see by the packaging it looks like each mini cookie has multiple chips in it. This is not so. There is about one mini chip per every 7 mini cookie. Not cool man...not cool at all. Completely false advertising. So being that there aren't chips in each one, the cookies without chips don't taste all that great, not bad, but nothing special.

I say stick w/ a normal sized cookie if you want a normal cookie taste. If you want stupid messy mini cookies sans chips then get this crap. 3 cheeses cause they aren't terrible and they make me even more gangsta than I already am.

Posted by Archebaldo

March 29 2005 -- Paradise by the Dashboard Lights There I was, in the front seat of a car at dawn, tired from the night before, breath mints and a toothbrush in the glove compartment, belt off and on the floor, and a big piece of meat just waiting for me to shove it in my mouth. It was so large that I needed to grip it with two hands. How would I handle it? I guess this was some sort of a test.

The parking lot was empty and so were the roads. No one would see what I was about to do so I felt calm and relaxed. The money had already exchanged hands so at this point all I needed to do was perform my duties and I would be able to get to work on time and no one would be the wiser. As I wrapped my lips around it and felt the juices flow into my throat a tear fell from my eye because I thought I had found paradise.


Wow, that sure was hot. But how else would one describe eating the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich? Finding out about it from that CNN news story I knew I had to try it and being that I am a fan of any fast food product that is rediciously huge and unhealthy I rushed out of the house this morning to track one down, and unlike that Hardees burger which was a 2 hour drive to find, this one was bought during my drive to work.



There it is. What I truly thought would indeed be paradise by the dashboard lights. 730 calories of pure happiness. Unfortunately for me those hopes and dreams were crushed when I actually tried it out. But before we get to that lets do a quick review of it's nutrition info..




With 730 calories (more then a Whopper) you know this thing has got to be good. If not good then at least packing a punch big enough to get any lawsuit happy fat person who wants to blame the fast food people for their overeating excited for a lawsuit. Sorry, personal feelings coming out there. "Americans do not need an Enormous Omelet Sandwich," said Penny Kris-Etherton, a professor of nutrition at Penn State, and you know what, he's right. We don't need it but we want it.

In the words of Team America: World police:

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

(grey because white wont show up)


That's right! We make these horribly unhealthy foods simply because we can. Take that Osama!

It took me two Burger Kings about 40 miles apart in order to find one of these beasts. The first restaurant had its sausage fryer broken so I ended up with a Crossian'wich bacon thingy. With only 360 calories it was not nearly enough to satisfy huger. I woke up this morning with a goal of an Enormous sandwich and that was what I was going to have! But I made sure to wash it down with some sugary Hi-C before I got too far down the highway. About an hour later I came across another Burger King and this time the sausage fryer worked fine. I ordered me up the $3.17 Enormous Omelet Sandwich and made my way to my desk at work.



So there I sat, sandwich in front of me. Me looking at him, and him looking back at me. Who would be the victor? But before the calorie orgy could begin I wanted to see what this guy was made of, and then came the disappointment.



Look at that sausage patty! All it is is one of the regular ones from every other breakfast sandwich these people make cut in half and laid out next to each other. Cheap! The bacon was also a bit flimsy and tasted funny. Eggs were fine in their standardness and actually having a fast food breakfast sandwich on a real roll was a nice touch.

This thing started off not too bad. But then again it wasn't anything special either. It tasted like I was eating a standard Burger King breakfast fast food meal. Having nothing special like a McGriddle with a unique taste, the Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich was forgotten as soon as it was finished. By the end the cheese was almost too much to handle and the bacon was getting on my nerves, but I guess that can happen when you eat over 1000 calories worth of stuff for breakfast. Would I buy this behemoth again? No, I doubt it. McDonalds is still breakfast champion in my book

3 cheeses for this thing. Nothing really special, nothing really bad. Didn't taste too good by the end so it lost that .5 of a cheese there. But then in order to shove it in Osama's face I gave it the half cheese back.



I am going to have to swim extra hard at lunch today to burn this crud off.

Posted by LordJezo

March 28 2005 -- I wonder what Gamma rays would do.. Well it was Easter yesterday, the day the Lord rose up from the grave. Would have been a perfect day to review something having to do with that religious holiday, something that shows the true meaning and spirit of the holiday so dear to many, like candy!



Yes sirs, Peeps had babies, and they are named Chicks. How sweet, eh? Coming in 4 colorful flavors they will be sure to brighten up your (post) Easter celebrations and get your blood sugars up for an exciting night of fun and worship.



How cute is that? It will be sure to get your girlfriend happy and put everyone around you in a good mood. How could anyone (besides diabetics) resist the "yummy mallow" sweetness of a Chick? They can't! Just don't look at the wrapper or you might get worried..



That's a sticker there. You can't really see it in the picture but on the color list there is a little blue sticker with what seems to be a correction. "Red 3". But the big question is what is under the sticker?



Well that picture came out a bit better. C Red 40! OMG!! NOT RED 40! A quick Google search came up with this. Apparently Red 40 causes Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), makes people irritable, causes tantrums, and makes you belligerent. Hot damn, why did they take it out? That would have given this stuff an automatic 5 cheeses. Who doesn't love mind altering substances?

Anyway, getting back to the Peeps, er, Chicks, they taste just like Peeps. No difference except these things look cuter. So since taste testing really is not at all necessary here, how about we kill one?



Aww, look at it, just sitting there in the microwave! It has no clue as to what is about to happen to it! Good. It might make me feel bad if it knew. So, I close the door, push the 30 second button, and I do what every good executioner would do. Film it!

Click here for the exclusive snuff video!!!!

Exciting, eh?



So there it is, in all it's glory. I'd pretty much say it's dead at this point. So what do I do? EAT IT! I love me a good cooked Peep so why should this be any different? It's not! Tastes just like a cooked marshmallow, only a little bit sweeter. If you are going to eat these things this is the way to go. Forget eating them cold. Cool them up in the microwave for about 20 seconds and have your way with them. You'll be glad you did.

3 out of 5 for the standard ones. Nothing really new, just your standard Peeps in a different shape. By now you should know if you like them or not.



4.5 out of 5 for the cooked ones. Good stuff!



Now I only woder what a Gamma radiation tube would do to them...

Posted by LordJezo

March 28 2005 -- Reese's Cookies Review Not to be outdone by The Impulsive Buy (which at this point isnt possible. their server does not crash, ours does) I tracked down this review in the MSN search cache. Originally posted in the middle of February it was lost to the great server crash (part II) of 2005. But anyway, here it is again for anyone who happened to be coming here from his site -- Lord Jezo

well i just came across this new product

As you can see they are a new type of cookie




so the first thing i did was put them in the refrigerator cause everything taste better cold.
well. i bit into one and saw this

the cookie is covered in a chocolate layer and inside there is a peanut butter layer and a wafer type cookie. and boy are they good.
after eating 10 of them i still really liked them. I could eat the entire box in one sitting.
wait. im going to eat another one
mmmmmmmmmmm.......

well. i guess this one wasnt as good as the first. so i would recommend eating a few at a time.

i didnt give it a 5/5 becuase i ate to many to quick. my first was wow. this is a 5 but after eating a 11 in a row. it goes a 4/5.
would i buy these again? yes.  if you like reeses products your absolutly
going to like these. i reccommend them cold.  im going to freeze them and see what they taste like

i still havent had one at room temp. cold is the way to go on this product

4/5 !!!!

very close to 5/5. but i spoiled it by eating to many. so i guess that a sign that its not a perfect treat. czause if they were aweseome after
11 in a row it be 5.

So go buy them. Refrigerate them. Eat them.
They prolly would be awesome in a blizzard type milkshake or crumbled on vanilla ice cream.

Posted by joph

March 27 2005 -- Eggo brand product (this review was written by Archebaldo but due to the server crash posted by me. I'll sort all this out eventually)

I went food shopping yesterday and found quite a few products that are NEW!! that I want to review. I'll start
off with an Eggo brand product.



Eggo is a brand that I know and have tried before. I also trust them...to make a crappy product. I'll give you guys some background history on myself. I love breakfast food, I remember as a young lad my parents would take me to a diner for dinner and I'd always get pancakes or waffles. The point of this being that I love pancakes and waffles. I have tried just about every brand and version of frozen waffles and pancakes...and have never liked any of them. I hate the way they don't retain heat for about more than 30 seconds so by the time you bring the plate over to the table, pour some juice, and put some syrup on your plate, the waffles/pancakes are already room temperature. It makes me quite furious and that's why I never buy frozen breakfast products on a regular basis. They also seem to always induce nausea in me too, not sure why. Anyways, I decided to man up and try a new one for the review squad over here at The Message Whore. So the new product we have is sure to be a favorite of Lord Jezo himself (the founder of this lovely website) due to the hipster use of the letter Z. That's right folks, this product is called Toaster Swirlz. I would have preferred if it was called Toaster Swizirlz Breakwheazzy Waffizzles, but that's just the gangsta rapper in me. So back to the product at hand, it's basically normal waffles that are thinner and sectioned off into four "Cinnamon Roll Minis" with Icing baked inside. Sounds pretty exciting right? Well guess what? IT'S NOT!




These things are stupid. Even though they are thinner than normal waffles and I toasted them on a full setting higher than suggested AND they came out fairly hot, by the time I took a bite out of these Rollz the MF'in inside was still cold! FURY! If I want my breakfast food to be cold I'll eat some ice cream. Now, looking inside said roll, I didn't see any icing but it had to be there cause I'm thinking that's what was so cold. Plus I had already put syrup on them so I wasn't going to retoast them. In conclusion, these things sound cool, smell good out of the toaster, and taste ok if you like slightly frozen flavored bread.

2.25 cheeses for me.

3.5 cheeses if you like the whole frozen breakfast waffle experience to begin with.

Posted by LordJezo

March 27 2005 -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! "All accounts that start from A to S are restored and are from 2 days ago. Due to some configuration errors on our remote backup server, we failed to backup the remaining accounts. This is about 40 accounts from S to Z. The latest backup that we could find for the remaining 40 accounts where from local backups which were from January 29th 2005. We feel this is of course better than nothing. We do apologize for this."

I am ready to give up on this site if this stuff keeps happening.

Posted by LordJezo