Week of June 5, 2005

I feel the need, in the midst of this exposé on the many addictions of
78west.com, to share a story of my own problems. At one time, I compulsively
used Listerine. This may seem a laughable problem to some but to those I say
"Have you no compassion?" I would spend many of my college days and nights (not
just on the weekends like some of the more recreational users) swishing and
spitting. I was goaded on by my fellow students who would spend the weekends
cleaning their mouths with a most vigorous passion. They did not understand that
my exploits did not end on Sunday night. I, like many impressionable students,
had only been exposed to oral hygiene in the most watered-down of fashions.
Sure, I'd had my fair share of Reach toothbrushes. I'd tried more than one
flavor of floss. I tasted Scope. I chewed sugar-free gum. I had even dabbled in
home water-picks. But no amount of mint-toothpicks could possibly prepare me for
the intense clean rush I got when I first fought through then spit out the pain
of Listerine.

I remember little of those years. Most of what I do have is pieced together
through my own emerald-tinted memory and the stories of those that lived around
me. The constant closed door, the smell of burning germs, the familiar tinkle
sound without its flushing partner, the slowly growing stain on the bathroom
sink. It saddens me to think on it now. And rarely do I. However, I was in the
pharmacy and was foolishly wandering without paying attention. Suddenly , I
found myself in the mouthwash aisle. It had been years since those painful days
but I could feel my will melting away from me. My hands began to shake, my heart
beat louder and I could feel the sweat beading up on my forehead. In front of me
sat a new type of Listerine, an Advanced Listerine that claimed to keep teeth
brighter and cleaner. I was torn between my own sordid past and my obligations
to the future of 78west.com. Obviously, this was no easy decision. I paced the
aisles for a long time, arguing outwardly with myself until finally a sense of
duty overcame me...I knew what I must do. I must confront the beast of Listerine
rather than run from it, tell my tale to our dear readers and, in doing so,
produce a relatively decent review of a new product. This decision was helped
greatly by the manager asking me to leave.

Advanced Listerine with Tartar Protection is sign that no market,
however saturated, is incapable of being added to. Listerine is pretty much the
Bull Moose of Mouthwash. Unless you make your own, I doubt anyone even claims to
create a more respected, trusted and satisfying mouthwash. No one washes with
Listerine properly and thinks "My teeth still feel grimy." In fact, the general
thought after use tend to be ones of concern focused on determining if the
nerves in one's mouth still function. I would submit that it is impossible to
improve such a product and Listerine seems pretty well set out to prove me
correct. Each time they come out with a new product, I find myself disappointed
in not only the lack of innovation but the removal of the most basic qualities
that make Listerine what it is. For example, while Listerine leaves one with a
sort of Cold War-era satisfaction in relation to the germs that grow in your
mouth, the new Listerine Advanced leaves less a feeling of Mutual Assured
Destruction and more a feeling of Mutual Understood Awkwardness that tend to
follow one-night stands.

It is still Listerine, and for that, it should be applauded. But the product
doesn't deliver anything new. It claims to keep teeth cleaner and
brighter and while it may be true, one would have a hard time determining to
what extent this is true. Perception is reality and there is nothing that makes
me believe that Listerine Advanced makes my mouth cleaner other than the words
on the label. It certainly doesn't feel any cleaner. In fact, much like the
citrus variation, I leave with my mouth feeling much more saccharine than I like
after a cleaning expedition. And while it may lighten up the teeth slightly,
bright teeth isn't really a good quality in my mind. White teeth, yes. Clean
teeth, yes. Brighter? No. I fear not the grue. I'll be fine with the tone as it
stands even if it will never get me a job at Entertainment Tonight.

2 out of 5 despondent quasi-artists who think that taking ones picture in
black and white with their hands on their foreheads is reaching their full
potential.