I Suck; I Deserve Punishment.
Wow. I am the best friend ever. I seriously did not have clue #1 that Lord
Jezo had gone on vacation until 3 days before his return. So, my first review is
of my own friendship with this man that I have known for roughly 10 years. I met
Lord Jezo in the winter of '93. We didn't have much in the way of common 'cept
that we were both stationed in the same strip of waste fighting a war we didn't
know nothin' about nor care to. Also: we were in the same class in middle
school. So, that pretty much made us have to be near each other for the greater
part of the day. I think most people are forced to be around people they can't
stand until they either drop out, quit or just give in and decide that person
sitting next to them isn't really as bad as their stupid opinions and stories
make them seem. I'd like to give myself a slight pat on the back for even
bothering to update this site once I noticed he had left but I doubt I can do
that. Instead, I will award myself a single cheese, not because everything only
gets one cheese, but because when I met Lord Jezo he was a righteous failure in
all human relationships especially those that involve women. As of today, he is
slowly limping along the Road of Understanding coming ever closer to realizing
that women are humans, too. Hoorah for me! (I will still give myself the single
cheese but I feel a little more dirty about it because I was shamelessly trying
to get trim with that last bit)
I have something else to sort of review but its not a product or film as we
are want to do here. I just am really annoyed at Halloween. It is a fine
holiday, I suppose and I am generally pretty indifferent to it partially because
I am over the age of 10 but mostly because the only Halloween parties I get
invited to involve the sort of people who claim this as their "Favorite Holiday"
which is somehow more obnoxious that the 1,000 drum circles I was forced to
endure during my Arbor Days at a Liberal Arts College. At least those people
forgot what the were being to earnest about after a few minutes. The only
"favorites" adults should have should be the ones where they try to
strategically hide their best porno sites from their significant others. Not
once have I ever heard any adult talk about their "favorite" flavor of ice cream
or their "favorite" band or movie or even team. "This movie is great." "The
Eagles are my team" (This is worthy of its own meandering, four paragraph,
self-important binge into ego-mania but I'll leave it at these two simple point
-- you don't own them and the Eagles suck) Favorites are for children. Unless
you work for Billboard or David Letterman don't fucking list things.
It takes a really special sort of person to get overly excited about a
holiday that allows you to dress like a slut or an asshole in the guise of being
witty or creative. The fact of the matter is, most of the women who dress in
rags and stockings should probably not even be showing as much gam as they force
upon us and the assholes who are really decked out tend to be dressed like that
all year round anyway, so why not give them a day to feel special? I know why,
because they are adults. And adults should know: You Are Not Special. And if you
feel the need to drop a couple hundred on a costume that will get a big laugh
out of everyone for 20 seconds, I hereby demand that you keep it on for the
duration of whatever schmucky event you are attending. You made the decision,
suck it up (I'm looking at you, Mr. Cardboard Box Robot.) Honestly, I get more
and more annoyed at how few children I see every year dressing up and how many
adults I see locking their kids up before sundown so they can get sauced with
office clown, pretending you all have something in common other than mutual
hatred and slight sexual tension.
Its hard to imagine a group of people that could possibly be more annoying
than the people "Favorite Holiday" born again yuppies, but I have an amazing
imagination. Every year more and more people get antsy about Halloween in school
and church groups shit a brick because kids are going up to strangers, taking
candy from them and not getting molested in the name of the Lord. I always hear
about pagan holiday this and Satan that. If you are Christian, all your holiday
are pagan. I refuse to even do any research on the subject because I want to
really insult the intelligence of people who give a shit about Halloween. Also:
Satan is a figment of your imagination. And to clear up a more local religious
problem, the Devils are named after a fictional character that lives in the pine
barrens and has absolutely nothing to do with jealousy between celestial beings.
I'm done. This review sucks but at least its something.
One out of Five High Fives for being An Awesome Friend
Five out of Five Fingers to all the "Favorite Holiday/ Think of the Children"
Assholes
Zero out of Five Self-Esteem Coins for Writing This Horse Shit.
Posted by PatboyX