The Message Whore · [Butterfinger Stixx]Styx

It was only a few days before I was to leave for Panama. Only a handful of mornings until I departed my beloved country and headed off to a foreign land. I wondered if I would ever be home again after I went away. Would I ever see anyone again? Would I be able to return to enjoy the happiness that is the American new product market? I knew not of my future so I was determined to make the best of what little time I had left. Ryan was there to make sure I lived life to the fullest and spent what could be my final days taking in what makes America Grand. And by fullest I mean buying new candy, and by “what makes America grand” I mean the dirty city of Easton, PA. a place where crack is sold openly in gas stations (saw it with my own eyes after a date gone horribly wrong) and where large Americans come to buy their cigarettes while in High School (as reported by Ryan). Why would we go to such a place? Because Ryan loves WaWa, and for some reason Easton is one of the few places around this far North that has them.

So there we were, two men cruising the mean streets of Easton in a sexy Toyota Celica. We were ready to take on anything that life threw at us. Nothing could stop us, nothing except a new product. There it was, on the shelf on the WaWa, something never before seen by my eyes, something so amazing that I had to have it. It was Butterfingers, it was pretzels, it was all wrapped up in a stick form, I had found the diamond in the rough, tonight was to be a good night.

BUt then I actually looked at it once I paid for it and found out that all I had spent my money on was a Butterfinger bar in a different shape. No pretzels to be found anywhere. I had been had. This town had taken my money, chewed me up, and spit me out, and here I am telling you about it.

Butterfinger Stixx.

Two “x”’s. One more than your standard single x word, just enough to push it up to the level of extreme but not quite enough to make it into the powerhouse symbol that “xxx” has come to stand for. Vin Disel.

So, now that I had been thoroughly let down I was determined to find at least a little bit of that joy that Americans get out of stuffing their fat faces with fat filled candy. I would do the American thing and drown my sorrows in food. Yes, I was going to be patriotic and eat processed junk food.

Well, the candy tasted exactly like I thought it would once my eyes were opened to the plainness that it really was. It tasted just like a Butterfinger, just in a different shape. I think I would compare it to the Butterfinger Crisps more than I would the original Butterfinger. Much like I did with the Butterfinger Crisps, I froze them to see if they would taste better, and much like that original experiment (which has been since lost into the internet during various server crashes), they did. I would recommend anyone who buys these things to try them out frozen as they taste much better.

So, a rating? How about we give it 2 cheeses. It tasted good but its way too small and pretty much the same thing as a Butterfinger Crisp. A serving size is one bar? Give me a break. Just a trick to get the stats down on the side of the box.